What Does It Mean to Love?

You often hear the things like, ‘they fell in love’, or ‘she fell out of love with him’, or ‘making love’, or ‘I feel loved’. You love your spouse, but your love for your mother is different. You love your children, yet it is different than the love you have for a family pet. How can you define this one word, love, when it has so many different meanings.  

One of the reasons the English language can be difficult at times is because one word can take on several different meanings. Maybe that is why so many people don’t understand how to love because they don’t really know what love is or how to show love.  

The Ancient Greeks simplified the issue by having six different words for which English has only one. Let’s look at each word and see how they defined the different types of love and see if there is one that explains what true love is.  

The first word is ‘xenia’. Xenia was a social love for the community. It was a bond of mutual respect between a host and a guest. Xenia was the act of being hospitable to others.  

The next word is ‘philautia’. Philautia is self-love. Though self-love is promoted in today’s world, the Greeks looked at self-love in a negative light. When Self-love equals selfishness, it becomes a bad thing. If you are absorbed in yourself, you can’t see the needs of your neighbor. Unfortunately, this type of love is becoming increasingly prevalent in today’s society. People only think about themselves. 

The third word the Greeks used for love is ‘storge’. Storge implies the natural, instinctive love between a parent and a child. It’s a kind of love that will endure the test of time.  

The fourth word is ‘eros’. We get the English word erotic from this word. It refers to an emotional, obsessive type of love. Though most of the time it referred to sexual passion, the word could refer to anything that someone might become emotionally obsessed with. Infatuation could be used for this type of love. Most people confuse this with real love. They become infatuated with another person. Their emotions are the driving factor in this type of love. This is why people say they fall into love or out of love. Emotions play a big part in a relationship based on ‘eros’ love.  

The next word for love, which was often used in the Bible, is ‘philia’. Philia meant friendship, loyalty and respect, especially among equals. The Greeks highlighted this as the highest form of love in their society, feeling that society would suffer if it lacked the qualities of this type of love.  

The name Philadelphia comes from a combination of the words, philia and adelphia, which translates to the city of brotherly love.  

Today, this type of friendship and respect for one’s fellow man is becoming rarer as you watch the news and see the atrocities people do against one another. 

There is one more word that the Greeks used for love. This word was what Jesus taught as the highest form of love. That word is ‘agape.’ Agape love separates itself from emotion. Agape love is a love by choice. It is a commitment regardless of circumstances. It is a selfless love that requires sacrifice and a love that may not be returned, but you give it anyway.  

Jesus was the example of this type of love when He died in our place, and we are encouraged to have this same type of love with others.  

1 John 3:16 says, 

“By this we know love, because He laid down His life for us. And we also ought to lay down our lives for the brethren.” 

This type of love is not easy. In fact, even the disciples had difficulty following this type of love.  

There is one very misunderstood passage in the Bible that becomes clear when you look at it in the Greek.  

John 21:15-17 

¹⁵So when they had eaten breakfast, Jesus said to Simon Peter, “Simon, son of Jonah, do you love Me more than these?” 

He said to Him, “Yes, Lord; You know that I love You.” 

He said to him, “Feed My lambs.” 

¹⁶He said to him again a second time, “Simon, son of Jonah, do you love Me?” 

He said to Him, “Yes, Lord; You know that I love You.” 

He said to him, “Tend My sheep.” 

¹⁷He said to him the third time, “Simon, son of Jonah, do you love Me?” Peter was grieved because He said to him the third time, “Do you love Me?” 

And he said to Him, “Lord, You know all things; You know that I love You.” 

Jesus said to him, “Feed My sheep.  

This passage happened a couple weeks after the resurrection of Jesus and before his ascension. Peter was still dealing with the shame that he denied Jesus at the trial, something that he said he would never do.  

Jesus realized Peter needed some special attention. He came up to Peter and asked him, ‘do you love (agape) me? Do you have a committed love for me?  

Peter’s response was interesting. He said, ‘yes Lord; you know that I love (philia) you’; I have a friendly respect for you. That’s not what Jesus asked.  

The second time Jesus asks the same thing, and again Peter responds the same way.  

The third time Jesus asks, ‘do you love (philia) me’? Jesus changed the word in His question and lowered the level of love to where Peter was. Because Jesus changed the word in the question, Peter became grieved, his failure in the past and fear that he would not be able to be as committed as he wanted to be probably welled up inside. He answered Jesus, ‘Lord, You know all things; You know that I love You.’  

What ended up was Peter was restored emotionally as Jesus was preparing him to be one of the leaders of the new church that would begin in just a few weeks. 

Love involves emotions but should never be ruled by emotions. Love should always include commitment. It should be a choice that is made and followed through, a willing sacrifice for the benefit of someone other than yourself. That love is rare in this world. But a love like that can change the world.